On all Hallow's Eve, there's threat of clowns, evil spirits and bills lurking for the first of the month. And it occurred to me, after thinking about a conversation that I had with someone, that there are much scarier things to be afraid of. It's the kinds of things that keep you up at night and give you anxiety, the things that you keep to yourself out of fear. I couldn't help but realize how much scarier the world is as an adult versus how scary Halloween seemed as a child.

Let the clown take me tbh, I hate it here !!

Of course, I kid. However, lately, I've been in a bit of a spiral in regards to my life and where it's going. The holidays are coming up and we all know what that means. The idea of someone asking me "What do you do?" or "When are you going to have kids/get married/xyz?" annoys but also very much so scares me. Because I know that the answer to that question is an answer that keeps me up at night. It's the fear of not doing things in a certain order. The fear of not reaching my full potential. The fear of fucking up.

As the thought set in, I remembered something that someone said to me, and my wheels started turning. During a time where there's quite frankly a lot to be fearful of, everyone has their own individual fears and nightmares that keep them up at night .... and the gag is, it has nothing to do with weirdo clowns. So, I found myself asking my nearest and dearest, "What scare's you?" and I allowed the answer to be as deep or as simple as they wanted it to be. After all, it's their fears. The question alone is scary, now imagine trying to find the words to answer it.

So, here are my fears, and your fears ... out in the open.

1.) Not reaching my full potential while on this Earth and/or dying young. Losing the love of my life before I'm prepared to, like him dying and the idea of having to carry on feeling the weight of that loss on my heart everyday. Not getting the family dynamic that I picture and not being able to have children. Losing my parents. Losing my brother - the one I consider half of my heart ... I can't picture a world where he isn't in it regardless of the circumstances. Lastly, a zombie apocalypse or like the end of the world cus I know for a fact that I wouldn't survive.

2.) Death scares me.

3.) Being separated from my family by the government.

4.) I'm scared of death, obesity, not succeeding, losing all of my money, and that I'll never find love so authentic as my grandparents.

5.) Many things scare me ... failure, not being good enough, death and so much more. However, being alone in this cold world scares me the most. Granted I enjoy my alone time, I'm very comfortable with it but it's much deeper than that. Most people picture a life with kids, marriage and this perfect idea of a family but not me. I dont see none of that in my future .. I never have. I love love and everything about it but still somehow being alone, not picturing the idea of having someone by my side through the good and bad scares me the most. Sometimes I think maybe its the career I wanna go into that prevents me from having this family idea in my head. Either way, I hope these fears go away.

6.) I'm afraid of dying before reaching my potential. I'm scared that I'll be too old before having kids and they'll say I can't have them. I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

7.) Well for one, heights and spiders. Legit terrified. But also, ending up like my mom where I’m in the same dead end situation with a family on my back and no one to help. Also not being able to provide generational wealth for my future family and not being able to break the toxic cycle I grew up in cus life gets in the way.

8.) Being alone forever and being rejected scares me. That’s why I stay to myself to prevent the “what-if’s”.

9.) Being fat scares me. And wasted time.

10.) Prob the only thing I could say I’m truly truly scared of would be dying without leaving an impact. I just want to impact people’s life in a positive way & I don’t want to like die or anything before I truly accomplish that goal.

11.) Being alone.

12.) I feel like failure and that in itself just stems like growing up feeling like I’m inadequate. And that comes from no reinforcement from the house cus nobody tells you that you’re not good enough.

13.) I’m scared of a lot of shit, but my two main ones are what the future the may hold. A lot of people normally are excited, but I’m scared as shit. For example, I’m a very indecisive person, so when I think of my future career, I sometimes wonder if that path is really for me. My second one is losing my mother, cause she holds shit tf down for your girl.

The hope is that when you read these, you see just how alike we all really are. We’re all battling something we speak nothing about. These are the things that keep us up at night and live rent-free in our minds. These are the things that we project onto others whether we mean to or not. And hopefully, over time … these are the things that we can begin to let go of.

So, what scare’s you?