Damn, You Too?: Body Issues

Since the dawn of time, women have dealt with insecurities or scrutiny regarding our body. Whether it be showing too much or not showing enough or fitting a certain mold, our bodies have been used as a form of categorizing us into boxes of worthy and unworthy. DreamofBee is proud to share the stories of women who've dealt with and overcome their struggles of learning to love their bodies. Here's to learning to love our bodies - flabs, muscles, ass, and hips and to remembering, that a woman's body is made up of pure magic, in every form. With that being said, it is our pleasure to share the third installment of Damn, You Too?

Growing up, I remember always being referred to as the fat one, chubby one, gordita, and any other so-called cute or not cute way of being called fat. It started at home. As a child, I did not get it...How can I lose weight? How is this my fault?  See, at the time I had no idea how deeply this was affecting me. I knew I was fat but what could I do? I remember feeling helpless even as far back as 2nd or 3rd grade when I wanted to wear jeans.  Sadly, they just did not make kid's jeans in my size. It still brings tears to my eyes the way my mother described having to cut the elastic on my pants just so they could fit. I even remember her having my aunt add a band to a pair of jeans just so I could have a pair. I also remember losing weight before going into the 7th grade and somehow I was still considered fat.

My body issues grew from there. As I entered highschool, I would consider myself the "fat one" with one group of friends and then in my mind the "skinny one" with another group of friends. It's terrible now that I think back at it!  All those years though, I never felt like my body was enough, no matter how "fat" or "skinny" I thought myself to be. As the years passed, I gained some confidence but no matter what my body issues were deep in me. I went to college at what I thought to be an "average" size but those freshmen 15 are no joke! I gained weight again and losing it did not even cross my mind. I became pregnant in my 3rd year and reached my highest weight after having my child. I remember it was April 2012 when I finally made the conscious decision of losing weight. I signed up to the gym and cut out rice and bread from my diet. In just 3 months, I was able to lose 20 pounds. I was so proud of myself! I felt great although some would say I was getting too small.  Like seriously!?! It's never enough! I reached my lowest weight at the end of that summer. I went from 194 to 150. I was finally wearing two piece bathing suits, I felt so great.

Fast forward to 2018, I had put on some pounds. I had stopped going to the gym and gradually stopped going on my morning runs. This time my weight was not the issue. I had decided I wanted a booty! I decided I would get surgery, a BBL! The surgery went well despite everyone's concerns (understandable) and I was super excited with the results. Three months after the surgery, I found out I was pregnant with my son!! I was so annoyed with myself at this point. I kept thinking, wow did I just spend this money for nothing? (Crazy I know!) During this pregnancy, all of my body issues resurfaced to the max! The whole time, I was always worried about how much weight I was gaining, if I was eating too much, if I was going to gain more weight. My doctor told me I needed to relax which I did as best I could. Today I am back at an unhappy weight but I know how to change it! I started jogging again and have began counting calories. I have never been a fan of crazy fad diets so I am slowly just starting to make healthier choices. Although for a few months, I looked in the mirror and thought I was unhappy, I started to realize that I really appreciate my body, how it looks, and what it does for me. Now my concern is just getting to a health weight and changing my lifestyle. Instead of being concerned with my looks, I just want to better my health for myself and my kids.

If you are struggling with your body, just take a look at it and appreciate it! Your body is a temple no matter what shape or size. Embrace it for yourself and no one else! And if you are unhappy, make changes! You are not going to see results overnight but I guarantee you when you do, you will be addicted!

~ Anonymous

Currently I'm a 22 year old about to graduate with my bachelor's degree in May 2019, my masters in May 2019, I have a good job, and great relationship of over 7 years. People look at me and think that I have it made or that I have everything together. I always try my best to keep positive and spread that energy to my loved ones, cracking hella jokes, smiling, all that. But the truth is I'm not happy. I tell myself that it's okay and no one is perfect, but it is very hard to love myself.

My weight is something that bothers me more than anything. Growing up, I always had to get the bigger sizes and till this day my mother complains that I'm overweight. She would criticize me in dressing rooms and make her frustration well known when things didn't fit. My friends often tell me that I'm not fat, I'm "thick", and I try to tell myself the same, but that's not how I see it. Some days I'm fine, but others I just can't help but think "I hate myself". In sixth/seventh grade I started skipping meals. I continued to do so until eighth grade when I started smoking weed. During my freshmen year of high school, when I started to date my current boyfriend, for the first time ever I felt like maybe my body wasn't so bad.

During my senior year of high school, I told myself that the only I was going to look nice for prom was if I ran track, so I did. That summer was the first time I ever started to like my body, but I still wanted to lose more. Once college started, I struggled way more with classes and, therefore more time went towards school. Being that my mom is the only one working with two kids in college I knew that I needed to help out. Most of my time goes to studying and working, not enough time to be fully dedicated in the gym as I used to. Some may say that these are excuses, but you know fuck them. NONE of them have walked in my shoes. With the end of the semester coming, I'm hoping that I would start to have a bit more time for me to workout and do what I have to do. I'm hoping that I will be able to be comfortable and love myself again.

~ Anonymous

I've struggled with my weight on and off for as long as I can remember. When I gain weight, I gain weight and when I lose it, well ... I can look like I've been depriving myself of meals. (But I promise you, I'm not.) My body shape has always been pretty interesting. I've gone from having a nice ass to honestly having none at all and it's crazy because I'm always so unaware of it at the time.

Over time, I've come to think that I have a type of body dysmorphia because I'm genuinely never aware of what my body looks like to anyone else. They say that what we see as a reflection in the mirror isn't actually how we appear to others and I believe that wholeheartedly. Anytime I've ever lost weight, it's been to the dismay of others, I get the "you're too skinny" or "you've lost too much" or people call me a stick and etc. But then when I somehow gain it back, I get told that I'm gaining too much or I get compliments of being "thick" all the while, I never really feel 100% comfortable. And I never do too much to gain or lose the weight either, it just kind of happens.

I've never been able to find a happy medium, and I find that when looking at older pictures of where I'm the opposite of whatever I am in that moment, I'm so disgusted with what I'm looking at. It's like ... why didn't anybody tell me that I looked like that? and it fucks with my head. I'll never forget one time in college, this girl was giving a presentation on body positivity and she legit said "Thank God I'm no longer 160 pounds, I can't imagine being that big." And that was literally my weight at time. I sat there like ... uhhh? I've never been one who likes physical activity and diets just aren't for me, I also just fear losing too much weight because I feel like I have no control of it but at the same time, I don't want to get too big either.

I remember a time where I once considered forcing myself to throw up, but I was scared of the door that it would open. Over the years, I've learned to love myself in ways that I never have .. body included. I'm not saying that I always love myself and what I physically look like but I have genuine moments where I do. I've had to re-program my mind to genuinely believe that fuller bodies are just as beautiful as small bodies. That a woman's body in general is beautiful, no matter the shape. I'll always be a work in progress and I'm sure my weight will continue to rise and drop, but that's okay. How I look will always depend on how I feel, and I'm hoping that I'll always feel like that bitch.

~ Anonymous

I don’t think our parents really knew how long the things they said to us, or even about us, as children, would stick with us. I am a beautiful brown skin 5’6, 165 lb black woman, with a smile that can warm a thousand suns and the personality that will have you tumbled over with laughter, but even while writing that statement my insecurities told me to give you a disclaimer that I’m not “fat”. While I am extremely aware of the many beautiful things about myself inside and out, I still hear my mother reminding me to put on my shapers and then force my beautifully baked buns into a pair of tight ass spanx just to put on a pair of sweat pants.

At 29 years of age, I still find myself feeling as shriveled up as a raisin when another beautiful woman walks into the room. See but I think the worst of it all is that I still hear the voice of my now deceased father “jokingly” call me his grande daughter (large daughter) to a waitress at a local Mexican restaurant when I was 10. He pinched my cheek and said I’m just playing baby. As a daughter who was deeply in love with her father, I giggled with him and pushed the hurt away so as not to offend HIM by making HIM think that HE had hurt MY feelings…but as a GROWN ASS WOMEN…I see how f*cking crazy that sounds!

But…I love them still, because you know what I realized? I realized that parents put their own hurt, pain and insecurities on their children and most times, they don’t even notice. For me it came in the form of a “fix the way you are standing”, from my mom who had competed in beauty pageants where posture was important, for half of her life.  I’d get a “ baby, don’t you wanna go walk with daddy?” from my dad who was overweight himself and overwhelmed from watching his own body transform from what it used to be when he was a high school track star. I’m pretty sure it was never their intentions to force upon me the insecurities the world had forced upon them.

While having this new “mature” understanding of my parents doesn’t always help me when I am obsessing over the 1 pound I gained overnight or while I’m researching the different type of “suctions” I can undergo to put me out of my own bread induced misery, it does give me a better knowledge of self and allow me to make more conscious decisions to love myself even when I can’t fit into my favorite pair of size 8’s. Lastly, it just reminds to pray that my wounds are healed before my children enter this world, so I never make the mistake of ignoring their feelings and humanity by telling them to stay in a child place.

~Anonymous

I was in this seven year relationship and my ex constantly compared me to one of his "friends". She was prettier, smaller, smarter, and bubblier than I was. I was told that I should get to know this girl better, to befriend her, so that I can be more like her. So that her qualities would “rub off” on me, because what I had to offer wasn’t as good as what she brought to the table. And boy, was I reminded of this, when he hugged her around her waist from behind to pick her up off the ground while the comment, “You are soooooo tiny and light” escaped from his mouth, loud enough for the words to tattoo themselves into my mind.

At this time, I was curvy, but I weighed less than I probably should have. My metabolism combined with my love for dance gave me features that I look back on now and kick myself for picking apart back then. I had no trouble with eating. In fact, I ate whatever I wanted back then, and if it went anywhere at all, it was directed to all of the right places. I now know that I had no reason to compare myself to this girl. But I did, and my weight depended upon it because I wanted to be what he wanted. What he saw and loved in her.

~Anonymous

We are wonderfully and beautifully made. Please don't ever forget that. Made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Not one body looks the same unless it was manufactured .. and even if it was, that's okay. No shame over here. When you look at your body, I hope you see the hips that create life and the hands that hold love, the ass that makes your shape unique and the stomach that feeds you. Although we're all struggling and especially now trying to regain control of OUR bodies, the one thing we should do is LOVE and CARE about our bodies ... because if we don't, no one else will.