Damn, You Too?: Relationships

Nowadays, it seems like relationships aren't what they used to be. In a world where generational trauma exists and social media invalidates and validates a relationship, yet can be the cause and destruction of them, it's important that we accept the love that we deserve. The good kind. The beautiful kind. The kind that we tell our children about. The following stories are merely examples of how on the road to "relationship goals", we typically hit a couple pit-stops and learn a couple hard-hitting lessons. So, with that being said, we share the newest installment of Damn, You Too?

I was in a relationship with someone for seven years. It was seven years of good, bad, beautiful,  horrifying, and everything in between. We fought like lunatics, we took aim at one another and shot the most white-hot bullets imaginable. We did our best to resolve our conflicts, but still harbored resentment for each other, and I harbored even more resentment for myself.

When we were in college, we went to separate schools - a 30 minute train ride from each other. Every weekend, I would pack a bag and get on the train by myself and head in his direction. There was a ton of foreshadowing in that statement, because it was always me, alone, going his way. This was reciprocated maybe two or three times in the five years that I attended this school, 30 minutes away from him. And when he did come, judgment was passed on my friends, my room, my belongings, my routine. We would have good sex, but he always took it too far to the point where I would cry from pain, and even the blood that stained the sheets those nights wasn’t enough for him to believe, or to keep him from telling me that, “It doesn’t hurt as bad as you’re making it seem”. When we were two years into undergrad, we took a break.

During that break, I met someone else and where I saw a potential boyfriend, he only saw a hookup. Lesson learned. I ended up back with my ex and every few months for the next few years, he would throw it back in my face. Even when I thought that this was done and buried, there he was in the final month of the relationship with a shovel in his hand, digging it up. We went on like this for some time before we eventually ended up on a break again; But this time in hopes of giving someone else a chance, I ended up experiencing something more traumatic. A few weeks later, my ex and I decided that we would try again, again. I was more vulnerable than ever before, but I didn’t speak of what had happened to me. I didn’t trust him and I knew that in my heart. The day that he did find out was the second worst day of my life, directly following the night that this had actually happened. He made himself sick, and asked me how I could have possibly let this happen, how I could have been so stupid. He told his parents, and then my parents and involved them in a situation that had nothing to do with anyone besides the two of us and the person whose name I can’t even remember.

My ex proceeded to call me a whore in front of all three of my parents, as well as his, and his mom essentially forced me to believe that this was not rape and that I had been making the story bigger than it was. She asked me what I had expected that night, they asked me what I wore, what I ate, if I drank, they wanted to know every detail that I had worked so hard to erase from my mind.

I was in no way comforted or supported in this situation. I was made to feel like I had done this abominable thing to hurt him, that it was intentional in every way, and that I didn’t deserve love or care. This was something that had happened TO ME, when we were not even together. He would continuously point out that he had told me just days before this event that he wanted to fix what was broken between us, and that he still loved me. Yet, I do recall that in that same conversation, he told me that he had also been on dating apps and trying to meet other people. Quite the double standard there, huh? He brought up the guy from our first break, talking about how this “isn’t the first time” that he “felt stabbed in the back”.

In the end, this relationship was terminated by him once again leaving me feeling like everything that had gone wrong in the previous seven years was all my fault. I sat there crying in a movie theater parking lot feeling like I was going to die from the intense anxiety attack I was having over the fact that as soon as I got into my car, he drove away and left me there, knowing the state that I was in, to drive myself 45 minutes home. The thing that I will remember the most about those seven years is the fact that in the beginning, all he wanted was for me to change. I dropped every hobby, every friend I had, to be what he wanted me to be. And on that last night, he told me that I wasn’t who he “fell in love” with, that I didn’t do anything I enjoyed anymore and that I didn’t have any of my own friends. I will remember this the most because I will never again allow myself to change for anyone.

The person that I am with now is my dream come true, literally. In the course of the past year, he grew from a friend, to a crush, to my boyfriend. He came to me when I least expected him, every time, from the crush, the kiss, and the “L” word. To be completely honest, I would be more than happy to be caught off guard by him for the rest of my life. He is the embodiment of strength, safety, goofiness, care, partnership, trust, and love. He is everything that I ever thought I wanted and more. He loves me for who I am. I am ending this story this way to prove to anyone who has read this far that you can have whatever it is that you want. Nothing is out of the question, as long as you put the same positive energy into the world that you want to receive.

~ Anonymous

My relationship. My first and only relationship started when I was 15 years old. I was naive and I didn’t know any better. I fell in love quickly. The first 7 months were the best months of my life tbh. He was perfect, he was great, I had no complaints but ONLY the first 7 months. When you grow up in a Hispanic household, they sort of teach you that you’re only supposed to have and be with one man. I lost my virginity to him. (Lol. I laugh because even when I think about sharing this story it’s so hard because I did so much for this guy.) I thought he had to be the one, there was no way he wasn’t the one. We were perfect, I swear. Everything started after month 7. I can’t recall how many different women I had to deal with. I like to block things out - if I can’t remember it, then maybe it didn’t happen ... but it sure did happen. Daniela, Nicole, Samantha, and the list goes on and on, they all happened. And I allowed it.

I forgave him each and every time because it hurt more to let him go than to give him another chance. I got used to the pain. He would come back like nothing happened because, I always took him back. I learned to not blame him for a lot of things because I could of said no but I was in love and I wanted to make it work. I thought it was a phase he had to burn, he was a good man - I saw it in him, although no one else did. Not even himself...

In the Spring of 2016, I promised myself I would never give this man another chance. WRONG. After he saw me flourishing and becoming my own person. He came back with dreams of going to the ARMY, dreams of starting our little family that we always dreamed of, and dreams of becoming the man I met when I was 15 years old. I was 21 years old now, but he came back into my life and promised me he would come back a changed man. After all, I thought well the ARMY ain’t no joke, let’s see how it goes while he’s away. I have over 30+ love letters that were sent to me while he finished boot camp, he even wrote me poems again... I thought to myself wow my man is back, silly me right? About 10 months after, he comes back from the ARMY and before we signed any papers, I asked him if he was sure because this wasn’t a joke. His words were “I've never been more sure in my life”. So on August 5th 2017, I got married in Virginia. My gut feeling was telling me no but I did it anyways.

Two months later, I moved to a different state where he was stationed. My flight was scheduled for December 25, 2017. On December 23, he sent me a long paragraph saying that he has found someone else and that I no longer needed to come. My world vanished and literally everything that made sense no longer did. I still left on Christmas Day, and walked away from my family because I was married, right? Being in that state, with that man had to be one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I was depressed, I even contemplated suicide many times. I didn’t understand what I was missing? Why me? Why wasn’t I good enough for him?

In the middle of January 2018, I tested positive for both chlamydia and something else. It was really hard to not do something really stupid while you’re in a new state where you don’t have anybody. The only person that can possibly make you feel better is the same individual that brought you to the situation so I was devastated. And even after, I tried, I tried so hard to make it work. But when you get test results telling you that you have precancerous cells in your uterus due to something your so-called "husband" gave you, it’s really hard to keep your head up high. I tried to forgive him, I really did.

In February 2018, I got a call that my aunt was really sick. I bought a flight for Feb 14th to come back home to see her and she passed away on the day that I was coming back, I never got to say goodbye. I arrived back home on Feb 14th and never returned to that man. My divorce was finalized in November of 2018. The reason I wanted to share my story is because I want all women around the world to read this and if you’re walking in my shoes, please PLEASE let go. Trust God. Sis, I promise it's worth it.

Now, I struggle daily with giving myself the opportunity to meet someone else. Its hard to try to give another individual the chance to do the same things again. Nonetheless, I will keep fighting because I know I deserve that and much more. I lost myself, my beliefs and my morals for a man that didn’t deserve me. One of my hardest battles right now is gaining the hope, the dreams, and the motivation I had because he stole it from me. But, Jesus lives and he saved me from that man before it was too late. Love yourself before you love someone else. Your future self will thank you later.

~ Anonymous

We've been so grateful to be trusted enough to share these stories, therefore we've tried not to alter in length if not necessary. These stories make up who we are as people, as women and they deserve to be told in their entirety, no shortcuts. And so with that being said, STAY TUNED for Damn, You Too?: Relationships Pt. 2 featuring more stories by more women, in their entirety.