Damn, You Too?: Relationships Pt. 2

While we love "love", we've come to learn that it's not exactly what we thought it would be and the road to "relationship goals" has been a long one. We understand that loyalty to someone else is tricky, but above all, we hope that you remain loyal to yourself. So, in continuation of Damn, You Too?: Relationships, we present to you, Part 2. More stories, told by more women, in their entirety. 

I was raised by my mother and grandmother so naturally, I have a nurturing heart and would do anything for the people I love. That’s why when my ex boyfriend ended up homeless I quickly began to think of every solution possible so he wouldn’t have to be out on the streets. This quickly became, by far, the most toxic relationship of my life.

Before I met him, I was living with my father, saving money, going to school, and working. Although I had my own apartment since the age of 17, I had tried committing suicide shortly before and the hospital wouldn’t release me unless it was under the supervision of someone. During these months I got involved with my ex. I was struggling to feel happy most days and honestly, it wasn’t until he came into my life that I started having better days.

It started out so good. We’d smoke blunts, and converse for hours. We had some of the same interests and saw life the same way in most aspects. Everything was so good ... or so I thought at the time. I never really realized how controlling and possessive he was until it was too late. By this time he had a hold on me, and I on him. He couldn’t stand to see me speak to my friends and it didn’t matter if they were male or female. He didn’t have a job and would just stay at home, tending to his drug addiction all day long as I stressed the days away at work. I’d have to come home immediately after work and he’d be there expecting me to clean, cook, and spread my legs at his command. I quickly grew unhappy, and fell yet again into another depression. It didn’t help that every chance he got he would belittle me, remind me how “worthless I was as a woman who couldn’t reproduce” constantly, and it didn’t stop there. If I responded to a message from a male friend; all hell would break loose and I’d be the biggest whore known to mankind, according to him. Things then grew physical, quickly.

Now if you know me, (which you don’t, because that’s the beauty of all of this, haha) you know that I have never and would never in a million f*cking years thought that I would fall victim to domestic violence. My mother and grandmother raised me better than that. But to me, I would have rather stayed in that crazy relationship than to see someone I loved and cared for on the streets. And so I stayed. For a while. We probably physically and verbally fought damn near every single day for months and it didn’t seem to matter what happened to be honest. The cops were involved and within the first 23 hours that I had bailed him out for the first time, his hands were wrapped around my throat again choking me that same night.

Finally I started threatening to leave him and when I’d actually attempt it, he’d grab my purse, duffel bag, and dump everything all over the house and guard the door reminding me that I wasn’t “allowed to leave the house”. I eventually grew restless and began threatening to not return home after work and that didn’t work either. He would threaten to kill him self (and guys, he would actually f*cking try) if I didn’t return home and me, being the person that I am.. didn’t want anyone to end their life over me. Eventually, I put my foot down and told him that things had to change. Living in such a toxic environment also had me constantly relapsing to the same place I was at before I got shipped to my dads.

He swore to me that he would change and so we moved and signed a lease on a new apartment for a “fresh start”. I don’t think I had a single box unpacked in our new apartment before I remember him kicking me in my back, straight down a flight of about 25 steps in our new apartment, yelling at me to get out of “his house”. We hadn’t even moved all of our furniture in.. Thank God we had moved to a better area and the neighbors called the cops and they took him in. Lord knows what would’ve happened that night, if not.

Moral of the story is, what you allow? Will continue. They won’t change. No matter how many times they break down and swear to you that they will. It has to be you who changes. It has to be YOU who will let go, and let God. Please.. Love yourself enough to know when a relationship is no longer serving your mental, emotional, and physical well being ladies, always. Your life is not worth his ego. His demons will destroy you if you let them.

~ Anonymous

My first real relationship is the one that set the tone for every relationship/situationship that has followed it. We always pray that we are that one in a million that will end up with their high school sweetheart and will live to tell the stories to their grandkids on how they weathered the storm throughout their lives together. Like majority of the population, I didn’t end up with my high school sweetheart and it was no one’s fault but my own. I had the fairytale story: best friends since kindergarten which then turned crush/first valentine in the 3rd grade, what eventually turned into a real relationship our junior year of high school. He was the perfect guy: funny, intelligent, loving and attentive. A true gentleman. And he was in love with me. I don’t mean that fake puppy love either, he was ready time and time again to lay it all on the line for me. He treated me like gold and never let me forget how much he really appreciated me and the impact I had on his life. 

The sad part was, I didn’t love him back. Yes, of course he was my best friend and I had a lot of love in my heart for him. But I wasn’t IN love and as much as I wanted and tried to be, I just couldn’t. It sucks not being able to love someone the way they love you. I thought maybe over time I’d fall in love with him eventually but as his love grew day by day, mine finally reached its maximum capacity. How do you tell someone who thinks the sun shines out of your ass “Hey I love you but only this much...I can’t love you more than that”. 2 1/2 years later I realized I couldn’t string him along any further. Even though the relationship didn’t survive and his memory sometimes lingers in my subconscious like a lost child, I will always know the way that a woman is truly meant to be loved and cared for, because of him. 

~ Anonymous

I think that for a lot of us who haven't seen the best example of a healthy relationship growing up, we spend a lot of our time looking for the exact opposite of our parents and their character traits. I spent my early adult years really afraid of love and all that it brings for fear of being hurt. And I spent that same amount of energy viciously trying to make sure I didn't date a man like my father ... which is exactly how I ended up with a guy just like my father.

We were friends who just kind of fell in love. He was trouble from the start and I could see it, way too charming, knew his game all too well, I wanted no parts. When my instincts told me to run, I should've listened. Looking back, there were so many things that I let slide and didn't give too much attention to and I think it was because I already knew that I didn't want to know the truth.

First time he broke my heart and came back, I forgave him because I just wanted him back. That then started a cycle of the wildest things that I almost feel ashamed to admit that I allowed. Every couple of months, over the course of like 3 years, he would hurt me in the most disrespectful ways and then come back begging and pleading to be back in my life. And I'd believe him, because I wanted to so badly. That was how I learned that a man could look you in the eyes, crying and red in the face and still lie to you.

I made excuse after excuse for him in my head, psycho-analyzed him, defended him religiously to everyone that disliked him and even convinced myself that this was a phase that he would grow out of ... I allowed myself to be disrespected and mistreated over what I considered was a man's phase? ... (If I could fight myself, I would lol.) Anyways, he would go above and beyond to get me back and I found it flattering that anyone would go the lengths that he did just to get me back. I thought, he really must love me. I dated other guys but never got serious enough because I always knew he'd come back. I now realize, he just always knew that I was there to come back to.

I think the final straw was when I finally realized that he just wouldn't change no matter how bad I wanted him to. And as sorry as he claimed to be, the best apology was changed behavior, and I had yet to see it. The relationship in itself wasn't all bad and there's a lot that I'm grateful for, but at the same time, if I sit for too long and do the math, a lot gets confusing as to what was really real and what wasn't and the time frames of events and so, I try to remember the good and never forget the bad so I never find myself in that same situation again.

~ Anonymous

Most of the stories shared have shown the harsh side of love, but the most important takeaway is that all of these stories have become lessons. Guidelines of self-love for the future selves of all the ladies involved. Yes, love hurts but love is also beautiful when experienced the right way. We wish you all the best of what love has to offer and we hope that you allow yourself to experience it in all of its beauty. Never forget - "Letting your guard down is honorable. 'Specially when the past ain't been that friendly to you, but there's magic in that."