Feelin Myself.

Not too long ago, a family member told me that I was fat in the most violating way.

He unexpectedly came to visit and I just so happened to have a sports bra on with a pair of sweats. He proceeded to ask me "What are you eating??" in astonishment, to which I responded sarcastically "everything" and his response to that was "Yeah, you look like it." He then proceeded to grab my arm and say "you're fat!" while laughing like I'd missed the joke that he said.

His disdain for my apparent weight gain caught me by surprise, because 1.) it was done in a completely violating way. 2.) I couldn't believe that a grown ass man just had the audacity to comment on my body in the way that he did. And I wish that it had stopped there. Throughout the remainder of his visit, I could hear him continuing to comment on my apparent weight gain, making jokes about how I needed to go on a diet and go for a walk. Now, this isn't the first time that a family member has made comments about my weight and I typically have thick enough skin to not pay attention or care. However, I'm currently in this in-between with loving my body some days and feeling so uncomfortable other days.

And so. The minute the door closed and he left my house, I found myself ugly crying with hurt feelings and no appetite to ever eat again. I went to bed that night without eating dinner and the next day, it was really hard to get myself to eat breakfast regardless of the fact that I was starving. And I couldn't help but think, this is exactly how eating disorders start.

Now, you're probably thinking ... damn, that's wild, but why do I care? Well. Something needs to be said about the notion that men have any type of right to comment on a woman's body. Quite frankly, something should be said about anyone commenting on someone else's body. The amount of anger that I felt the next day after I got over the initial hurt and violation now mixed in with the pause that I took before eating was ridiculous - and this continued well into the week. All, because someone felt it was their right to make a comment about my body.

To know me, is to know that I LOVE food, as in - the idea of eating something good makes me really excited. And for all of my life, my weight has always fluctuated. I have been so skinny that I looked malnourished and then I've been of a thicker nature. All the while, my eating habits remaining consistent. At the moment, my thighs are the size of ham-hocks (please note: thick thighs save lives but they also rip your damn jean shorts), my butt ... well, I love my butt. So much. And there's a healthy amount of weight distributed in other areas as well but, the moral of the story is, for all of this "love" that I have - I also feel super uncomfortable with all of this weight as well. Because unlike these celebrity bodies, a natural body with thighs and a butt means you possibly get a lil chub or some rolls in your stomach too. I don't have the option of picking and choosing where I want the weight unless I was working out - which I am not. And most of the woman I know don't have that option either, so the result of that is dealing with everyone's thoughts and opinions on how they feel you should look.

I say all of this, because I've watched friends and other woman criticize their bodies, attaining to achieve this idea of what a desirable body looks like according to society and other's standards and I'm so over it. I've seen comments on Beyonce's and Rihanna's body. Imagine, two of the most beautiful women in the world, and we feel the need to critique their shape as if it we have the right. There has been pregnancy speculations and attention drawn on the kind of clothes that they're wearing and again, I just don't understand why we as women can't just be. Beyonce literally ate plants for months in efforts to shed the weight she gained while carrying twins .. TWINS. Let's not forget the fact that there were major complications while giving birth to them meaning her body had to heal and what that looks like - there's not one answer for any one of us. Now add on the fact that she had to "snap-back" for the masses. It's an unreal standard and it's absolutely unfair.

The female body is and can perform miraculous things, yet it's treated as less than. Explicame? The reality is, as little girls, we're often taught to be ashamed of our bodies - all of it's changes and the things that we have no control over. The minute we become "women", we're then sexualized for consumption especially in concern with our weight. If we're too skinny, we're unattractive, if we're too "big", we're unattractive. Some men prefer a woman with a butt, and some prefer a busty woman. Some like them tall and some like them short. Now, what are the common denominators within all of this? We have no control over these things.

Bodies, more specifically the female body comes in all shapes and sizes and is almost always changing it's form. Yet, we're constantly bashing ourselves and others or attaining to have the one type that's almost not even real. In the year of 2020, it's my hope to start taking care of and loving my body in the way that it deserves to be loved. What that looks like, I'm not 100% sure yet but I do know that these curves aren't going anywhere, anytime soon. And I'm okay with that.

To any woman, or man .. that's still learning to love their body - I hope you take a second to look at your body and just feel love. Allow it. Flirt with yourself and point out the things that you love. Your hips, your shoulders, your butt, your breast, - whatever it is. Show it some deserved love.

And if anyone feels the need to make an unwanted observation, tell em to kick rocks.