"It's A Hard-Knock Life, For Us..."

When I was 16 years old, I was obsessed with Louboutin’s. I wanted a pair of red bottoms for my sweet 16 so bad, and we were spending an arm and a leg for my party so I was hoping we could just add that to the bill. Although accommodating to most of my wishes, that was the one thing my mother simply couldn’t do. So, she made a deal with me. She said “Go to college and when you graduate, I’ll buy you your first pair so you can wear them to graduation. So let this be encouragement.” And so I did.

Although my father attended college and even went on to get multiple other degrees, my mother never attended college and out of my siblings, I’m the first to ever do it. See, out of my siblings, I’m the second to last of six but up until two years ago, I’d been the youngest of five. To me, there was kind of like this pressure to be the one to get it done because well, I can’t lie … I wanted those Louboutin’s and I had to do it for my parents. The road was far from easy though. Being a first generation college student meant that I had no roadmap to the college experience. For me and my mom, this was completely uncharted territory and I soon learned that it meant a lot of aggravation and sometimes even tears when it came to filling out FAFSAs and applying for loans (which I don’t even want to think about) along with any other thing that was school related, to be quite honest. So, I went to school and graduated in four years and … I got my Louboutin’s (which by the way, was not the ideal shoes to wear to graduation). Now what?

As it seems, college “prepared” me to work in my field and taught me how to be more self-sufficient but what it didn’t guarantee me was a job. And it sure as hell didn’t teach me was how hard and fast life was going to come at me. Adjusting to life back home while trying to figure out what to do with myself in that weird transition period where you don’t have a job even though you’ve applied to a thousand, was rough. I didn’t know the proper way to dodge the “So what are you doing now?” question that came from people who didn’t actually care so for my first year “post-grad”, I struggled more than I have ever in life. Quite frankly, I just felt like I was a failure and genuinely stressed about how I was going to make my life worthwhile. Not only that, but being a first-generation graduate came with the pleasure of having to constantly explain to my mom that I didn’t want to just work anywhere to make money because I busted my ass for four years to work somewhere that is a reflection of what I have to offer to the world. As you can imagine, there were many arguments and many, many tears.

After my graduation money ran out, I found myself left with nothing and of course life doesn’t stop just because I’m broke so I ended up getting a job as a waitress. While it provided some kind of monetary relief, I wasn’t really making enough to do anything and I really just felt like I wasting my life away; not to mention, I had to deal with people asking me what I was doing with my life … while I was serving them their food. I’m telling you, this past year was quite humbling. I found myself really feeling like I was inadequate so many times; just wondering how I made it this far. Coming off of a super strong last semester where I had an internship, was President of my sorority on campus, and took all these credits, the aftermath was just such a let-down. No one wanted to hire me and I just couldn’t figure out why.

What I did have to sit with though and truly learn to understand was this … our parents were taught that they had to do whatever necessary to survive and to take care of their family and by all means, they did what they had to do. But, that also resulted in them not actually exploring what it is that they love to do and what they want to do. We, on the other hand have seen what that can do to someone. We grew up with hopes and dreams, many of them … because we dared to believe that we could. Most of us are first generation college students and graduates meaning we’re struggling so that our future family doesn’t have to. Allowing them the opportunity to dare to dream without forcing them to become or do anything that they don’t actually want to do. This generational contrast, is the reason why so many of us feel so lost after graduation. There is this huge disconnect between us and our parents because we know what we’re capable of even when the world doesn’t care to acknowledge it, while they were never given the chance to tap into their capabilities.

To this day, I still get asked if I wish I would’ve studied something different while I was in college, something that would “make me money”. And I have to say, no regrets. This is what I’m good at. It took me a while to give myself the opportunity to share it with the world because it wasn’t in the way that I thought I would … but this is me. I’m not a teacher, although I’ve worked as one before. I’m not interested in the legal system, even though I work for a law office. I’m a writer, a communicator of sorts, a creative. Although I’m not benefiting from this financially, my soul feels better than it has in a while. I feel productive. There’s nothing wrong with working a 9-5 while still doing what you love on the side … bills must be paid. I’m not going to lie, I sometimes wonder if I’m actually doing anything with my writing, and then I’ll have people randomly come up to me and tell me they like my stuff or they’ll reach out to me and tell me that one specific piece really hit a spot with them. Better yet, I'll check the statistics of my site to see if it’s getting traffic and I’ll see that people are reading my words all over the world.

I say all of that, to say this. The road after graduation is not an easy one. No one prepares you for the abundance of disappointment coming your way. You question yourself and begin to doubt what it is that you offer. The only thing I can think of is “Patience”. Don’t look at your friend who graduated and immediately got a job, don’t think about all of the jobs that have rejected you, don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s because all you’ll do is drive yourself to insanity. In the words of the incomparable Jermaine Cole, “No such thing as a life that’s better than yours. No such thing, no such thing.” And remember, you’re not alone. It takes time to get your footing right, but don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. We got this.