Don't Touch My Hair

“If you blow-dried your hair, it would look sooo pretty.” My mother said to me as she watched me in the mirror putting my naturally big and curly hair into two-strand twists. I’m sure she thought of it as a compliment but this comment, one among many is what inspired me to write this piece. A sort of ode to my beautifully big hair. Growing up, my mom had a traditional Dominican hair salon which consisted of relaxers as soon as my hair started to show any signs of nap and blow-outs every weekend without fail. The result of that, my hair having years’ worth of heat damage and me having no actual idea of what my natural hair texture looked like … until now. The process to uncover my natural tresses consisted of using no heat on my hair at all for what’s about to be almost three years. Cold turkey, just like that … somehow finding ways to hide the awkward transition phase that my hair was going through.

During that phase, I had to constantly explain to people that I was “going natural” and “that means my hair is naturally like this”. Surrounded by 100% Hispanic friends growing up, all of my friends had straight long hair that didn’t take much to style and so I was always the one with one hairstyle and one hairstyle only. I aspired to have hair like theirs however the reality is, my cultural roots do not allow me to have pin-straight hair, and it took me a while to understand that. I began to notice that we as a society have been conditioned to think that the European standard of beauty is the ONLY standard of beauty. I used to tell my mother that I wanted to marry a white guy with pretty eyes because at the time, I considered that the prime example of attractive and I wanted my kids to have all of the features that I didn’t. But then, this magical thing happened where I began to see more and more girls wearing their natural hair and I ended up learning about the different types and textures of hair and I genuinely grew to appreciate it.

For most of us, there was or rather might still be this unspoken law that if there is ever an important event, like a birthday, graduation, interview, etc. – we have to go to the salon to get our hair done. We were taught that straight hair looks good in pictures, straight hair goes with every outfit, straight hair is professional and your appearance is even more polished, with straight hair. When you actually take the time to sit back and think about it, most black girl’s important moments/big celebrations have been or are paired with having straight hair or even putting their own hair in braids so that they can then attach a weave that’s straight because we’ve been convinced that it’s more manageable that way. The truth is, our grandmothers and their grandmothers were taught to chemically straighten their hair so that they could assimilate into the culture and time that they lived in and the ways of the world as told to them were then passed down to us. Times have changed .... slightly. While on the subject, I think it’s super important to acknowledge that wearing a weave doesn’t mean you don’t love your own hair. This natural life aint easy, let me tell you … sometimes you just need a break. And YES, it is easier to manage a weave. Who cares? It’s called protective styling for a reason.

If I'm honest, I wish I could say that the ways in which I view hair and the different stylings of it has always been this positive, but this is a newfound understanding. As you can imagine, whenever I got my hair done, I had the great pleasure of overhearing the good hair vs. bad hair conversation which unknowingly shaped the way in which I viewed hair for most of my life. I was taught that good hair was pin-straight long hair and bad-hair was curly, unruly, nappy or any kind of “other” hair texture. Being half-black AND Dominican, you can figure out where I fell on that spectrum.

The issue I have with the discussion on hair is that we categorize it as good vs. bad when in reality, hair is one of the most versatile things on this Earth. Think of all the different colors, lengths and textures yet we still think it makes sense to check it into one box? Unreal. I’ve come to learn over the years that your hair is your crown, it can be your pride and glory if you learn to love it as is. I feel, that the one thing we should be taught as little girls is how to tend and care for our hair. Many girls grow up with a lack of self-love because of their hair, learning how to tend to it, teaches us the importance of self-care.

I currently work at a school where I have a student who doesn’t really have a mother figure. She is, like me, Hispanic and African-American. We have a very similar hair-type, but I’m older and have clearly learned to love my hair along with how to properly manage it whereas she has no one to show her how to do that so her hair often times appears un-done. I can’t even begin to explain the frustration I felt when I overheard some girls tell this particular student that she has “bad hair”. Comments like that, stay with girls forever … trust me, I know. And so, I had to in the nicest tone I could muster, attempt to explain to these little girls that all hair is good hair and there is no such thing as bad hair. A conversation that I’m sure went in one ear and out the other.

Since I’ve started this job, I’ve wanted to get my hands on her hair so she could see how beautiful it really is. Knowing that all it takes is a little water, patience and product. But when you don’t know, you simply don’t know. I am proud to say, that we’re putting on a production of Beauty and The Beast and my girl has been cast as Belle in the final ball-gown scene. Guess who sweet-talked her way into doing her hair for the show? Yours truly. I am determined, if nothing else before the school year is over - to show her what her hair can accomplish and Ms. Bee is coming with a bag FULL of products to get the job done. Just think of all the mistakes and regrets involving your hair that you could’ve avoided had somebody simply given you a sincere compliment on your hair. A little goes such a long way.

I have found, that even now at 22 years old, I sometimes feel self-conscious about my hair. Is it too big? Does it look crazy? And I wonder what it would look like if it was straight and how long it would be. But then, I’ll get a compliment where someone tells me how much they love my curls and how my hair is really flourishing and all of the negative comments really just don’t matter anymore. Call it reassurance? We all need some every now and then. In 2016, Solange came out with this song called “Don’t Touch My Hair”. The lyrics, a true letter of love to the hair we were taught to hate. In what felt like a real black girl’s anthem, she promoted self-acceptance in every form. With four simple words, that hold so much power … Don’t. Touch. My. Hair.

This piece, much like that song, was inspired because I wanted to genuinely bring this issue to the forefront. The comment made by my mother was simply one of many comments that have been made by many people over the last couple of years. Although no malice intended, it is often times very touchy for me because of the struggle that I’ve had with my hair and what it means in correlation to the way I look at myself. My hair is big, curly, and often times wild. I sometimes wear it in braids, twists, or even wigs and I kill every single look. If there is anything that I hope you take away from this, dear reader, it is this … your hair is YOUR hair and as long as you LOVE it, you can do whatever you want with it. Just remember above all, to learn to love it.