That's My Type
This past weekend, I found myself at a function in Dyckman with two of my girls and while it was a pretty good time, I found myself thinking and then suddenly beginning to write this post.
As humans, we like attention; and although happily committed to someone, I still wanted the advantage of having someone try to court me even if I was already fixed to turn them down. (Ego is a wild thing, ain't it?) .... However, no one paid me any type of attention and I sat there trying to understand why.
Growing up, I hung out with a predominantly Hispanic crowd. Up until college, the majority of my close friends and essentially all of my childhood friends were all of Hispanic descent. What that meant for me, is that all of the boys that I grew up having crushes on were also Hispanic and/or of a lighter hue. And it wasn't until I got to college that I began to find myself attracted to Black men. But back to my story.
Back then, none of the boys that I liked .... liked me back. And as you can imagine, that did a number on my self-esteem. I grew up thinking that I was the "ugly friend" when quite frankly, I was just the only black friend therefore I didn't look like any of my other girl friends and this is why I was never the chosen one. To the unknown, I was not Hispanic, therefore carrying none of the stereotypical Hispanic traits. I was always the darkest and tallest of my group of friends, not to mention - I didn't have long or wavy hair (back then, I didn't even know that I had a curl pattern). All of my qualities, to the boys growing up around me were what would be considered unattractive to them; and that’s not saying that ALL white or Hispanic men don’t like black women but the truth is, the majority of them are looking for someone that resembles them and the women in their lives.
Sitting in the booth of this lounge filled with a predominantly Dominican crowd ... you know how Dyckman is ... I found myself judging the girls that were being asked to dance or the girls that were being oogled. To myself, I was thinking "bruh, I definitely look better than her .... her fit is basic af .... She really is not that cute." Now, spare me with the feminist comments because I caught myself and checked myself and quite frankly just realized that: Guess what? For as cute as I am, and as fly as I was dressed, and no matter how hard I was feelin myself .... I just wasn't their type. And once I came to this aha moment, I very quickly scanned the room to realize that none of them were MY type either. So why did I want their attention? Ego, I tell ya.
While deep in my thoughts psychoanalyzing the whole room around me, I ended up coming to the one question that we can't quite answer as a society. Are our preferences in partner really just preferences ... or are they biases? Ways in which we were taught to look at the people around us? In a time where it seems like everything is about race, I have to ask myself: Is this just another thing to add to the list? When I was younger, I was very adamant about only liking white guys/lighter guys with "pretty eyes". And the older I get, and the more I love the things about myself that I used to want to change; I've begun to abandon all of those ideals or "preferences".
There's a deeper level of understanding the type of societal conditioning that we've all been under since we were kids. And for all of the "Black Girl Magic" and all of the love that we're currently receiving, it wasn't always this empowering to be a Black girl. Which is why, when lyrics like Chris Brown's "Only wanna f*ck black b*tches with the good hair" causes controversy, you have to understand why there's so much upset. I've heard arguments defending his choice of words and I've heard arguments about how it was in poor taste. When CB defended his lyrics, he simply stated -"its a preference". Which ... okay, cool. But. This goes back to the question .... preference or bias?
Now, I want to make it absolutely clear that I'm not here to point fingers, simply acknowledging what is. Because in a room full of Hispanic men, 9 times out of 10, I'll never be first choice despite the fact that I'm half Hispanic - but in a room full of Black men, that's a different story. I'll get complimented on my hair, my hue, and anything else you can think of. And I had to learn that it’s okay. Cus at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to assimilate into any group, my race will always walk into the room before me or my personality do. And the truth is, in a room full of Hispanic men, I might look at a couple, but in the back of my mind, I have my own biases which will always make me gravitate towards a man who's Black. I “prefer” a man who gets me, all of me -specifically the things that I don’t want to have to explain. And that’s not to say that I’m not open to dating any other race, but it’s like Saweetie said:
"That's MY Type".
But it begs, are our preferences really just attributes that we prefer? Or are they what we were taught to like through instances of bias?
