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I am - Your homegirl. Your sister. Your cousin.. The one you confide in. The one who keeps it real. The one who talks a lot. The one who cares. What we chattin about today?

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Session 32.

Session 32.

Bee Francis

You ever find yourself in a relationship and you have one foot in the door and one foot out? And it's not because you don't like the person that you're with, you're just trying to stay ahead of the game and spare your feelings - just in case thing's don't work out. You find yourself constantly wondering if they're feeling you the way that you're feeling them and its almost like you're preparing for the worst. Too scared to get too attached because it hasn't really worked out too well for you in the past.

Does this sound familiar? My bad.

The reality is, most of us stand in the way of our own happiness for fear of what could actually be. We live in fear of allowing anyone to get too close to where we'd really miss their presence if they were gone because we know that there is a possibility that they can go. So we sabotage. We keep em close enough but not too close. And when they eventually get tired of being at arms length and leave, we blame them for not staying long enough for us to finally let them in. It's a twisted cycle, but it's one that needs to be understood.

It all comes down to the way that we engage in attachment. Most of us learn at an early age about the ways in which we can depend on people. Through those experiences - whether good or bad, it shapes the depths of our relationships and how we "attach" to others. So today's tea is all about attachment, cus there's levels to it. Three to be exact, and they go by - secure, anxious, and avoidant. So boys and girls, it's time for a quick lesson ..

Secure attachment typically comes from a childhood where your parents or caregiver was emotionally available and responsive to your needs and wants as a kid. Therefore, forming a healthily developed trust between you, and giving you security in expressing affection/ understanding the many forms of intimacy. (But - lets be real, who has that and who was their parent? Oprah?) Next, we have Anxious attachment which comes from feeling the need to be attached to someone as validation of one's self. Those with anxious attachment tend to be overly dependent on a partner or someone they feel attached to, to provide a feeling of security that they can't find within themselves. They often times feel as if they give too much of themselves to people with no reciprocation, and blame themselves when they feel a lack of responsiveness from their attachment figure. And lastly, there's Avoidant attachment which can either be fearful or dismissive and comes from essentially not trusting others and feeling unsure of other's intentions which makes it very hard to trust or even form intimate connections.

Now, why do you care? Well, our childhood literally shapes everything in terms of who we become as adults and the ways in which we live our lives. Most of us walk around carrying trauma from back then that prohibits us from truly being happy - specifically in relationships. As humans, we crave and thrive off of intimacy - wanting the kind of love and or friendship that bring us peace and happiness. However, the truth is sometimes our attachment styles are just not the same as our partners which can make things complicated and it's important to understand that and know why. Just because someone doesn't show their love for you in the exact way that you show your love for them, doesn't mean that they don't love you.

I'm learning, to understand the ways in which I attach to others and what it means for me and the relationship. I encourage you all to do the same. That means no more one foot in and one foot out, and it means trusting in the bonds that you have with people despite feeling like you give more of yourself. Because they probably feel the same exact way, or they feel as though they're giving you the best that they can based off of how they attach. You have to ask yourself whether or not attachment validates the satisfaction and duration of a relationship. Just because you're around your partner or friend all of the time, does that mean that they satisfy your needs and wants or are you just comfortable in this relationship because you're around them all of the time?

Take a second and sip on it. While you do, take this quiz below to find out your attachment style and what it means for your relationships. And if ya’ll must know, my results concluded that I have an : avoidance to closeness. *Surprise, Surprise*

What about you?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test

Dust Yourself Off ... and Try Again.

Dust Yourself Off ... and Try Again.

That's My Type

That's My Type

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