Dust Yourself Off ... and Try Again.

Not too long ago, I got denied for something that I really, really wanted. And it crushed me.

Of course, everybody hit me with the usual - "It's okay, God has bigger plans" and "Your time will come" but what I really heard was "womp, womp, womp, womp". Because I wasn't really tryna hear all of that in that moment. I was fed up with getting my hopes up and that was all I could feel at the moment. So I stepped outside and sat by this fountain (real dramatic, can't you tell?) ... and I cried. Then I washed my face and kept going about my day because ... what else could I do?

In today's day and age, social media plays such a large part in how we live our day to day lives and there's a lot of pressure to have your shit together despite the fact that it's not so easy to have your shit together. It has this way of thwarting our perception of things from everyday news, to celebrity gossip, to the people that we know and love. There's this constant feeling of not doing or being enough, and its exhausting causing most of us to really struggle because of it. I constantly find myself comparing what appears to be or wondering why them and not me? And all it does is create clouds of self-doubt that wouldn't be there otherwise. Obviously, I wanted this opportunity for myself and my career, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I just really wanted to show that after two years of being out of school, I had my shit together too.

The thing is, I always thought I knew what I wanted to do and what my dreams were. But as time progressed, my dreams and what they looked like changed. I wanted more of one thing and less of the other and I started to realize that I don't have to have just one dream. It's been a process because like many others my age, I've changed over the years therefore what I want for myself has changed over the years, and as a result - it's taken me a little while to get my footing.

While most of my counterparts had things somewhat figured out during their time in college, I knew only half of it - that I wanted to write. And what that looked like has changed over the years, learning who I wanted to write for, what I wanted to write about, how do I get there? And what does a career like that look like? It wasn't until the last month of my college career that I started to put the puzzle pieces together, but then wondered "how?". So, I graduated and the "how?" lingered for damn near two years. All the while, watching from the sidelines as my friends started building their careers - some in my field even .. and I continued to ask "how?". Cus in reality, even though I was so proud of them, and even inspired - I couldn't help but feel like a failure in comparison.

It has taken me quite some time, even til this day, to learn and truly understand that someone else's journey and how they got their opportunity - will never be mine. And that's okay. I'm coming to terms with the idea that what their success looks like and what my success looks like are two different things, and trusting in what will be is the hardest part but it's the most important.

These last few months have been full of so many "almost's" and all it's done is show me that all that I want is more than possible, because I've gotten so close. I know deep within me that there is an unspoken plan over my life which is the reason these things aren't working out for me in the way that I want them to. And the core of knowing that is just trusting in what is while still putting in the work to get where you want to be.

In this moment in time, I'm in my season of dusting off my shoulders and trying and trying and trying again - and I know that I'm not the only one. Is it fun? Absolutely not. Do I doubt myself? Sometimes. But do I know that I’m capable of far more than I’ve been able to accomplish right now? Yes. And because of that, I’ll keep trying and trying and trying, until somehow, some way .... I make a way.

I found myself watching Black Girls Rock the other day, and I couldn’t help but take notes during Angela Bassett’s speech, because she said “Be persistent .... and win.” and it just felt so on the mark to hear her say it. See, I can settle and face no more rejection because I’ve decided to try no longer. Or, I can be persistent and keeping knocking on every other door when the one in front of me closes. I can win and accomplish more than I've dared to dream - trying and trying and trying until I no longer have to and my name is in rooms that I haven't even stepped foot in yet.

At the end of the day, you can scream and cry and feel bad for yourself for a couple of hours, maybe even a day. But then it's time to get up and keep it pushing. Life doesn't stop and if you really want it - you have to keep persevering. Cus nobody got you like you, and puttin on for social media isn't going to pay your bills or give you real fulfillment - unless you’re an influencer ... which I am not.

In the words of the late and great Aaliyah, "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off .. and try again."