Right My Wrongs

If you've heard almost any Bryson Tiller song ... ever, then I think it's safe to say that you're slightly familiar with the idea of forgiveness/redemption or the lack thereof. And if we're honest with ourselves, I think that's what draws us to his music so much. This concept of love, the loss of love, trying to figure it all out, and then understanding and dealing with forgiveness and redemption … it's enough to make anyone come out with their own R&B album.

As life goes, one of the lessons that I've learned about love and forgiveness is that, honestly sometimes shit just happens. And that's not to justify anything or pacify anything, however the reality is, if you're in a long-term relationship or have been in one, you just understand that it's not all flowers and rainbows and sometimes there are periods where you do not like each other, but at the end of it all - you still love each other enough to want to work it out. Now instinctually, I’m quite sure that you’re going to assume that this whole piece is about romantic relationships, but forgiveness and love is a part of platonic and familial relationships too. So let’s get into it.

I think that we have this skewed version of love and relationships in our mind, where we think that everyone thinks just like us and has our same heart and reality check - that kind of thinking is what leads us to getting hurt. In this world, there is not one soul that is alike, we were all raised different, understand our thoughts and emotions different, and we all love different. What that means, is that not everybody that you love is going to know or understand how to love you the way that you want or wish to be loved and unless you’re willing to teach them how, you can’t be upset when they constantly fail you.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us have this mindset where it’s like "cross me once and you're dead to me" with no forgiveness.  Now, I've been guilty of this mindset myself, which is why I’m not judging, but I think it's important that we talk about it. The thing that I think we sometimes forget about forgiveness is that, it’s for YOU not for the other person. When you harbor bad feelings towards someone, 9 times out of 10 - it hurts you more then it hurts them. Are they upset that they’ve failed you? Maybe. But do they hold on to it after the fact? No. But you do.

Because you’ve been hurt, those feelings slowly but surely go from hurt to hate and let me be the first to tell you that carrying hate in your heart is exhausting. It is the worst emotion of them all, it consumes you and you find yourself more worried about emitting hate towards someone instead of living your own life. It’s quite frankly, not. worth. it.

Let’s take it back though.

When I sit here and tell you that forgiveness is key, I’m not telling you to forgive and forget. I think that idea is completely unrealistic and unhealthy in relationships, because you can’t just forget the ways in which someone has hurt you in efforts to ease the pain. It’s the same thing as putting a band-aid over a scar, it’s still there underneath. What I’m getting at, is that for the sake of your peace of mind and inner happiness, you shouldn’t allow someone to live in your head and heart, rent-free. Especially if it’s hurting you more to hate them, then to just learn to forgive them. Real talk, only love can drive out darkness. Forgiving someone does not mean that you’re forgetting what they’ve done to you or letting them get a free pass, it means that you’re releasing the hurt and pain that they’ve caused and you’re choosing to put yourself first, choosing to move on.

That being said, it's real easy to sit on top of your high horse and judge a relationship from the outside looking in, because it’s easier to judge and assume when you’re not actually dealing with the situation at hand. But the reality is, we think we would handle certain things differently until we’re put in those situations and then we do the best that we can under the circumstances. I used to literally fight with my best friend in high school because of her relationship problems (obviously wanting the best for her), not knowing that one day I’d understand exactly what she was going through and then realizing that instead of having me yell at her, she just needed me to understand.

When it comes to loving someone and forgiving their transgressions, it’s really the hardest thing that no one ever teaches you how to do. Should we put up with and tolerate hurtful behavior? By all means, no – but if it were that simple, then love would be simple and the last time I checked, it wasn’t. If you notice, it’s always the ones that you love the most that hurt you the most and it’s always because you love them the way that you do.

Although not easy, I can admit that as a woman, I’ve found myself in situations that I never thought I’d be dealing with, teaching me lessons that I wish I didn’t have to learn. But, I’m still here … and I’m still breathing … and I’m still learning to forgive and to love and to understand that sometimes, people’s actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

So with that, I’m learning everyday to forgive so that my peace of mind and heart stays at peace.

Stay Tuned for Next Week's piece on Accountability ...